Teenagers: The Drama of Defining Identity
The period of identity formation par excellence is adolescence. Our young ones are facing so many tensions at that age: the push and pull of advertising, the overwhelming tension of comparison that inevitably springs from social media, the stress that at 16 they have the body of a grown person but the confused mind of someone trying to define who they are – all of it strained by the powerful energy of sexual incantation. No wonder adolescents are in disarray!
Most grown-ups, especially parents, have forgotten what it was like to be young; and even if they haven’t, the circumstances of being an adolescent today have nothing in common with 20 or 25 years ago.
How can we, the parents, be a source of help?
For starters, we cannot be their friends and pals… Like I heard an expert on adolescents say: you can choose to be their friend when they are young or when they are adults, but you cannot choose both. Adolescents long for us to impose limits, even if they fight them. They cherish limits because they don’t yet have direction. Their experience is like being in a car speeding down a racing track, but with the steering wheel disconnected from the front wheels– and they’re challenged to go faster than those around them.
Our challenge as parents is to help them slow down. The greatest aspect of a trip is enjoying the scenery and the encounters along the path to reaching your destination. That scenery means sharing time with those who are traveling alongside: their family and their friends!
What is at the core of adolescence?
They are defining their identity. Their relationships with friends – who they are among them – are more important than family; however, the family provides a point of reference. Therefore, they are more relaxed if they have time with those close to them. Believe me, I know it’s not easy. They sometimes seem like wild horses resisting being saddled and ridden, but deep inside they cherish it, because that’s the point of reference they come from. To top it all, adding to the mix all the sexual dimension, it conditions their identity pivoting around sex identity, that confuses what is important in life. So, even if they fight you, make them spend time with the “family team.”
Remember something very important: your job is to be their point of reference for identity. Parents need to be clear – limits are the only way you can express care and interest to our adolescents.